Dear Adoptee, Keep Going …

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Dear Adoptee,

Though different and not as literal as Harriet experienced, I’ve felt the warm moisture from the breath of dogs at my heels, felt the searing heat of torches at the nape of my neck and listened to the masses of horrific howling hot on my trail. My dogs wear cloaks of secrecy, deception and lies. The scorching heat – rejection, abandonment, grief and loss. The obnoxious, relentless shouting gushes from those who try to frame my experience with their own words from their limited understanding of my journey – talking about me, for me – telling me how I should feel, what I should say and how I should live.

Maybe you have experienced this also?

You’re not alone…

You must keep going, dear one … WE must keep going!

I know what you want because I want it too!

Freedom!

Free from absorbing incorrect expectations of others, free from winning others at the expense of losing myself, free from the ever-present force of rejection, free from playing the forced role of the grateful adoptee, free from the rules unadopted people place on me.

I must keep going …

Free from the habit of placing the value of everyone else’s well-being above my own, free from the need/desire to fix everyone, free from the crazy anxiety that erupts within me, free from the triggers (known and unknown) that are as much a part of me as my right arm, free from self-loathing from not being good enough to keep even a 2nd time, free from the anger toward the rejectors.

I must keep going …

Free from the belief that abandonment is always eminent, free from worrying about others who don’t worry about me, free from the excruciating, inescapable pain that comes with rejection from first parents, free from being so absorbed in the “what-could-have-should-have-been” that I’m unable to live in the now – in THIS moment, free from believing the lies that have been on perpetual auto-replay in the theatre of my mind.

I must keep going …

Free from feeling unworthy, free from absorbing the drama/toxicity of others in order to maintain relationships thus avoiding the ultimate rejection, free from the anger and pain that maintains a grip on me – preventing me from releasing the the hurt and forgiving others who don’t deserve it.

I must keep going …

Free to choose to be grateful for the blessings in my life and to unashamedly communicate truth about those things that are not, free to live by my own moral convictions and not others’ uneducated opinions, free to think of myself as a person worthy of care – physical and emotional – just as I would never question another person’s worth to do the same.

I must keep going …

Free to accept and believe with my whole heart that I can change only myself and to allow God to do His work in me while believing that fixing others isn’t my job, free to extend grace to myself as easily as I do others and to accept and love myself in my present stage of healing, free to love, accept and nurture that little girl inside who’s been living wounded in the shadows waiting for someone to care enough, free to openly love and accept others – especially those who don’t reciprocate.

I must keep going …

Free to believe that I am enough – I’ve always been enough and even though others may not validate it doesn’t negate its reality, free to worry about nothing – realizing my worry changes not one thing but instead, release it and pray about everything, free to make self-care a priority, living fully engaged in every second and squeezing every ounce out of it.

I must keep going …

Free to be brave enough to eradicate the lies that roll around in my head and replace with Truth – marinating in the Truth until it becomes my reality – becomes me, free to believe that there’s nothing shameful in me – others’ behavior toward me and their choices may be shameful, but shame doesn’t reside within me nor define me, free to set simple, healthy boundaries for myself without fear of what others may think.

I must keep going …

I want to be free to openly communicate my truth to others who have wrongly placed their incorrect version of it on me, free to be true to myself and give that sweet, weary little girl inside a voice – who’s been biding time for 50 yrs., waiting for someone to notice – waiting for her turn. The glass slipper fits you this time, sweetheart! It’s time to set her free!

It’s time…

We can never, ever give up fellow sojourner! No matter what it takes, we must keep going! Find someone who you can trust to be vulnerable … reach out to me if you don’t have another to talk with. We can calm the dogs and squelch the shouting from those that hunt us down and hound after us day after day after day! Not everyone will understand your journey – not everyone CAN. That’s ok! Find someone who CARES.

Don’t isolate – we can’t do it alone!

I’m here – sharing my story – to help others like you –  walking/crawling through this crazy swamp.

You got this!

You can keep going!

2 thoughts on “Dear Adoptee, Keep Going …

  1. Thank you for sharing this!! I am at the same crossroads and will be turning 50 this coming March. I am certainly preparing for freedom! I have felt a strong force that next year is a reset – a new start. I need to work on finding others who I can be vulnerable with as my husband is the only one that has fit that role.
    Grateful for your post & speaking the adoptee truth.

    Like

    1. Yes! Reset….it’s definitely a great thing to look forward to in the coming year! I feel like over the last couple of yrs., I’ve been doing exactly that. It’s crazy how it took 50 yrs., but that’s for another discussion lol! I hope you’re able to find others to reach out to – I’m on instagram and facebook @mydaddyseyes….Follow me there! One of my goals for the new year is to start an online community for others like us to offer support and encouragement. I’d love to connect 🙂 Blessings to you on your journey, friend! ❤

      Like

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