Would I Do It All Over Again?

“Knowing what you know now….would you do it again?” they ask.

Almost 5 years after finding my biological dad and 20-ish yrs. after finding my biological mom, I can say that the short answer I give to this question is, “yes.” I would definitely do it all again. That’s when those who know my journey  – who watched me at times barely crawl –  tip their heads and look at me with raised eyebrows and wrinkled foreheads and ask, “Really?!

They were there when I found my birthmother who didn’t want to be found. The birthmother who blamed me for showing up (I know – the irony.) They were there when I patiently remained in her “closet” for 7 yrs. – secret keeping. Her secret. Me. Hopeful that she would let me out. But no. Weary of waiting, I needed oxygen and sunshine. They were there when I  busted out the door and didn’t look back….

When I finally grew strong enough to relinquish my mother.

They were also there 15 or so yrs. later when I finally told them what had been keeping me up so late at night for months – ancestry.com. When I announced that I was pretty sure I had found my biological father in somebody’s tree. Their eyes widened and foreheads wrinkled. I could see it in their faces. I knew. They worried that I would end up with another shattered heart.

They worried that I may not be able to absorb another one.

Me too.

However, those who really know me also know that my adoptee brain won’t allow me to live my life in the dark, keeping somebody else’s secrets – not knowing about where I come from. Who I come from.

Over the last few decades, there’s been seasons of relentless pursuit of searching for all of the pieces – of me. Of course, I considered the risk and weighed each of them against my desire/need to know.  Each time, the scale tipped in my favor.

I believe the underlying question they really ask is, “Even though the outcomes in your reunions weren’t what you hoped for, would you do it again?” And again, my answer is, “yes.” How could I not? We all know there are no guarantees in life … especially in reunion with biological family. There are too many variables. There’s simply no way to predict how reunion will roll out – or not – and I’ve never been unwilling to take risks.

Almost 5 years ago, I hit “send” to a facebook message to a man that I “knew” was my biological dad. He became known as “the man with the kind blue eyes.” But would he be kind to me? I also knew that he most likely had no clue I even existed. There was no biological, DNA evidence to confirm, but after seeing him on Facebook, I knew. Hitting “send” that night didn’t come without hours and hours and hours of pondering, praying and facebook stalking….and heaps of crazy courage.

Twenty-five yrs. ago, I set out to find 2 humans – my biological parents.

Now, 25 yrs. later, I realize I found something far more essential ….

I found me.

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